Today is my friend’s birthday. Well not today exactly, but it’s almost his birthday. So they’re all going to a club to celebrate. They asked me to come. I said no. They know I would never change my mind so they don’t even try to convince me. I was wondering why I always say “no” when they ask me to go. I don’t mind drinking one-on-one or going to a non-alcoholic party. I actually enjoy those things very much, but why is it that I never have the desire to participate in going to clubs or the bars, drinking & partying, getting drunk, doing drugs, smoking something, or ANYTHING?!?! Why!?! Isn’t it normal for young folks to at least have an inkling of that sort of desire?!?! So why not me?! Is it because I think I’m so high and mighty to do something like, because I am so obsessed with being morally righteous and just look good in front of people that I don’t do those things??? But that doesn’t make sense.. If I wanted to look good in front of people, all proper and whatnot, I should at least desire to do it, but just not participate in it, right? But I don’t even desire it. Why, my God, my Love? Do I enjoy being a party pooper? No, I don’t. I hate being a party pooper because I know I spoil the fun of others. So why? WHY WHY WHY WHY!!
I try so hard to articulate to my friends why I don’t like or want to go. But it never makes sense. But finally it all clicks. It’s because I’m scared. Yes, what I told my friend is true. Yes, it’s true that I find people repulsive when they are drunk or high and not themselves. People think they are being their true selves when they are drunk, but that’s not true. It’s very obvious that they are the furthest from who they really are when they are under some kind of influence. It’s like that thing about people supposedly becoming more attractive when you’re drunk. No, actually the truth is they don’t become more attractive. It’s just that your standards have lowered. You desire less than what you know you are worth. So yes, I find that rather idiotic because it’s a contradiction, it’s illogical. How do you find your true self when you are under the influence? That would mean that your true self only exists when you are under the influence! So why not live your life always under an influence (drug, alcohol, weed, whatnot)!?! Then you can always be loud and obnoxious! You can always be sensitive to people and get angry and lose self-control over the simplest things! Go be selfish all you want! After all, when you are drunk or high, you are no longer as aware as you would normally be. In other words, you won’t be aware of your surroundings or even the people around you. You’re basically saying “I’m going to go off and have a me time so leave me alone. I don’t care about you.” That is pure selfishness!! Oh my Lord, my Love, my Light, my Guide, You can probably hear the sarcastic tone I am using. Because yeah people disgust me and I want to look high and mighty in front of people, but in the end, no that is not how I really feel. Everything I have said so far is nothing but a mask for me to hide behind.
What I feel is, I realize, it’s deeper than that. So I probe more and push more to see if I can figure it out. What I find is something innocent and pure. A child-like voice says to me, “it’s because I don’t like seeing people that way. The fact that people have to turn to these means to find their happiness reveals to me how broken this world is.” It’s too sad. It wrecks my heart to see people trying to fill that empty void in their hearts by doing things they may eventually regret. They become sober and say they never want to do it again. Next time, the same thing happens - they do something they regret. This pattern continues and they are stuck in an unrelenting vicious cycle of hurt. THE PAIN! Why make yourself grieve? Don’t hurt yourself! Stop hurting yourself. Stop hurting others. Why must we perpetuate and participate in causing more suffering when there is already so much of it in this world? Why why why!! Stop hurting others and stop hurting yourself. Can’t you hear the cries of agony piercing through the dark? Cruel cruel cruel. That is all I can think of.
So I think to myself, “yeah that seems right… right on the dot.” But no, that would be lying. That’s not the entire truth. There’s one more layer to peel. My God, my Love, don’t turn away from me when You hear what I have to say, when You hear the truth about me. In the end, it’s all because I am a coward. I’m scared. I don’t want to be hurt. It’s not that I think I’m better than others; it’s not that I don’t like seeing people suffer.. it’s because I’m selfish. I am afraid. When people are drunk (or high), they are more likely to do things they normally would not do, which means they may regret their actions later. What if I end up regretting what I do? What if I make mistakes that I can never take back? What if I hurt someone by mistake? What if someone hurts me? I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to hurt. All my life, I told myself, “Dasom, nothing in this world belongs to you. Nothing, not even your life, your time, even your very breath is yours. It all belongs to others. So if you want something, forget about it because I can never give it to you because even you yourself don’t belong to you. But there is one thing I will give you. I will keep you safe from pain as long as it’s within my power to do so. If I can prevent you from feeling unnecessary suffering, I will do so. I promise.” That was the promise that I made to myself ever since I was young. Why did I make this promise to myself? I pondered, oh Lord. I thought and thought and thought. All I got was this: This world is filled with pain. So much pain. When I look around, all I see is pain. I cannot feel happiness, I cannot feel joy, I cannot feel laughter, not even anger or sadness, only pain. I can only feel pain. Maybe I developed this odd condition because of current news showing how much people suffer. Maybe it’s because I am educated and I learn about the suffering of others. Maybe it’s because of how pain and suffering have been so close to my family life, my childhood. I can only guess. Because there is so much hurt, I want to protect myself. I don’t want to experience pain anymore. Make it all go away. If no one can protect me, I will protect myself. But soon I realize I can’t protect myself at least not emotionally. So I will at least protect myself physically. No one will lay a hand on you. No scratch, no burn or mark, will be on you. I will protect myself if no one else will. And even if it is in vain, I will try to protect myself emotionally - the fragile part of me, so vulnerable… by distancing myself from people emotionally. I will impact the lives of the people around me. I will help people so that they can live a life of hurt but also a life of joy - a life I couldn’t live. Because when you get rid of pain, you also get rid of joy. I will help guide people so that they may live an enjoyable life, but I will not live one for myself. I will continue to protect myself. I will build for myself a person everyone can look up to and admire, but someone people cannot reach. A person who seems so close and yet, so far away. I will build that person for myself. I will impact the lives of others, but no one will ever leave an impression on me because if they do, I might get hurt. ”And no one can take away this promise from you. Not your friends, not your family, not your future husband and children, not even God. No one will take away this promise from you.” Not even God… not even God. Not even You, my Love.
So this is how I really felt about You. All this time I thought I had given every single part of me and there was no part of me that was left for me to give to You and yet, here it lies. I thought I had given all of me to You to heal, to transform, to redeem. But it is - a part of me that I have somehow hidden away from You, even from myself. Don’t hate me, my Love, for I cannot bear for You to turn away from me. Anyone can turn from me, but You. As long as I have You, I am okay. But You ask me, “how is it fair for you to ask of Me all and every part of Me when you are not willing to give Me all of you?” Ah, You are right. It is unfair. I do not deserve all of You. To ask You to give all of You to me while I do not.. that is unfair. That is a pain I am causing You. I have failed You. I cannot be anything more than a sad scared creature, destined to be alone. But it’s triumph that has the last word. ”Victory!” is the cry I hear, not “failure.” Who is that? Who dares to say “victory” when my life so far, all my efforts so far in finding redemption, in wanting redemption have so in vain?! Who? It’s You, my God! Why is it a victory and not a failure? ”Because I love you. I think you’re pretty special. You are special because I made you and I don’t make mistakes.” That’s it? That’s all You have to say…? So simple and yet, so lovely are those words! Why, my God? Why hurt Yourself in loving something that cannot love You back? Here I am so scared to let others reach me because I am afraid of being hurt. So why so willingly hurt Yourself for something that cannot love You back? It’s simple as because You are Love. You Love. And that is the victorious cry I hear. Maybe one day, this Love of Yours will transform me and take me away from this barren land of isolation and utter darkness. Won’t You take me away from here? I am willing.