for Your love..

Dear Lover,

I’ve been a student at Boston College School of Theology & Ministry and one of the first things I remember commenting about is the people of STM - students, faculty, administrators, etc.  At first when I talked to them, I always felt a little annoyed.  They were kinda weird.  They had this air about them that I couldn’t describe.  I thought to myself, “What’s wrong with the people here?  They’re all high off of life and living in their world.  You can’t live life like that because that’s unrealistic!”  So I was annoyed.. I didn’t want them to talk to me; I didn’t want to talk to them; just leave me alone!  Whenever people tried to make conversations with me, I would just drop it off… give them the cold shoulders, reply with short answers.  Why should I bother?  They’re different. I’m different.

But I guess I got caught off guard.  When I was too tired with assignments that I could no longer put up my facade of nonchalance, the people of STM got me.  They would smile and wave at me… dood, I don’t even know you -.-;; They would say “hello, how are you?” and that’s all it took.  Tired and without my walls up, they touched a core part of me that I thought I would never allow to be effected.  They smiles became contiguous.  I started to smile my goofy smile that I gave up long time ago when I was forced to face realities of the cruelty of this world.  I started to feel giddy… maybe I’m just really tired that I can’t think straight anymore.  I started to say hello.. and then ask “how are you?”  I never realized that within such within such small and simple actions, there is so much love.  

Looking back on it now, what irritated me about the people of STM then is that they were different from me.  Actually I was different from them.  The air around them then and now isn’t weird or them floating on cloud 9 all the time; it’s peace.  The people of STM are at peace.  When they talk, they’re not being all feely and “oh isn’t life so wonderful??” They’re not being like that.  When they talk, you can see peace and joy.  Yes, they all have a lot of works, they’re very busy, but even in the midst of busyness and tiredness, they have peace and joy.  But because I didn’t have peace and joy.. because I was negative in my thoughts and moods I hate my life, I hate studying, omgosh I’m dying.. because rather than embracing life, I shunned it, I felt different and therefore irritated by the people of STM whose very beings overflowed with life.  The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.   In my limited view of only thinking about the bad things in life or how hard I got something, I had forgotten to see and enjoy the goods in life.. the people I love and the people who love me.

It took me an entire semester to realize that.  It took a lot of effort on the parts of the people of STM to help me see that.  And where does this atmosphere of peace, joy, and life come from?  It comes from knowing that this is a special community - a community of friends who share a common bond - the desire for God.   Never have I ever felt I belonged,  but I wish if I were ever to belong somewhere, let me be bounded to this unique community of friends and lovers.  I want to be like them; even when going through difficulties, I want to feel at peace and joy; I want to feel satisfied in all that I do; I want to be at rest in You; let me be bound to the people of STM.  

from Beloved<3

Dear Lover,

Tonight I went outside and I saw the Supermoon!  I kept asking my friends to go with me, but they didn’t want to.  Plus, some of them already saw it so they were saying it wasn’t that great!  But my Lord, my Love, what makes this moon so beautiful and so great to see is not that it’s abnormally big in size or that it’s shining brighter than usual.  What makes this moon beautiful is that You created it, my Love, my God, my King.  This moon, super or not, only demonstrates how creative You are!  I remember I was talking to a friend once.  We were trying to take pictures of the sky because it was so beautiful to behold.  No matter how many times I’ve tried, I wasn’t able to capture the majesty of the sky.  How great You are!  No matter how hard we try to replicate Your creation, it is never as glorious as the original.  My God, my God, what a lovely world Your creation is.  My God, my God, I am not worth living and breathing and enjoying this.  How strange it is that though I think I am of no worth, You think so well of me.. how You love me so.. how You whisper softly in my heart “you are worthy of My love” and how You tell me “this beautiful world that you see, this world you try so hard to capture and possess, I created it just for you.”  My God, my God, may I draw nearer to You, my Love, my Beauty, my King.

from Beloved<3

Dear Lover,

It’s not that I’m sad about his death.. it’s not that I’m sad because I knew Michelle for a year.  It’s not even my own sadness.  It’s just that I can feel her sorrow.  The pain that grippes my chest is not mine, but hers.  It hurts so much, making it difficult to breathe.  This has happened before.. with Nelly and her desperate cry to be with her children.  My God, my Lord, my Love, is this what it means when I say, “break my heart for what breaks Yours”?  I rather be in physical agony than to feel this burning on my chest.  Looking at my hand and the marks I’ve left with my nail to take away the aching of my heart, it reminds me that the wound on my hand will fade and heal, but the wound of the heart stays.  O Cruel World!  Why bother?  Why live in a world of death?  My God, my Love, my Lord, my Jesus, my Precious, please tell me You will redeem this world.  Redeem this world, my Lord.  No more sorrow, no more pain.  I don’t want to feel anymore, my Love.

from Beloved<3

Dear Lover,

I was wondering.. You know when people cry, some are okay with crying in front of others while others prefer to cry alone.  Well those people who cry by themselves, is it their choice to do that?  Are they crying alone because they choose to?  Or do they really want someone to be there for them when they’re crying, but somehow something in them prevents them from crying out loud?  Do they desperately want someone to be with them while they cry, but can’t seem to ask for help?  Is crying alone a choice or is a vicious cycle that will never free you? I wonder I wonder.. it’s so interesting, my God.

from Beloved<3

Dear Lover,

Today is my friend’s birthday.  Well not today exactly, but it’s almost his birthday.  So they’re all going to a club to celebrate.  They asked me to come.  I said no.  They know I would never change my mind so they don’t even try to convince me.  I was wondering why I always say “no” when they ask me to go.  I don’t mind drinking one-on-one or going to a non-alcoholic party.  I actually enjoy those things very much, but why is it that I never have the desire to participate in going to clubs or the bars, drinking & partying, getting drunk, doing drugs, smoking something, or ANYTHING?!?! Why!?! Isn’t it normal for young folks to at least have an inkling of that sort of desire?!?! So why not me?! Is it because I think I’m so high and mighty to do something like, because I am so obsessed with being morally righteous and just look good in front of people that I don’t do those things??? But that doesn’t make sense.. If I wanted to look good in front of people, all proper and whatnot, I should at least desire to do it, but just not participate in it, right? But I don’t even desire it.  Why, my God, my Love?  Do I enjoy being a party pooper? No, I don’t.  I hate being a party pooper because I know I spoil the fun of others. So why? WHY WHY WHY WHY!!

I try so hard to articulate to my friends why I don’t like or want to go.  But it never makes sense.  But finally it all clicks.  It’s because I’m scared.  Yes, what I told my friend is true.  Yes, it’s true that I find people repulsive when they are drunk or high and not themselves.  People think they are being their true selves when they are drunk, but that’s not true.  It’s very obvious that they are the furthest from who they really are when they are under some kind of influence.  It’s like that thing about people supposedly becoming more attractive when you’re drunk.  No, actually the truth is they don’t become more attractive.  It’s just that your standards have lowered.  You desire less than what you know you are worth.  So yes, I find that rather idiotic because it’s a contradiction, it’s illogical.  How do you find your true self when you are under the influence?  That would mean that your true self only exists when you are under the influence! So why not live your life always under an influence (drug, alcohol, weed, whatnot)!?! Then you can always be loud and obnoxious!  You can always be sensitive to people and get angry and lose self-control over the simplest things!  Go be selfish all you want!  After all, when you are drunk or high, you are no longer as aware as you would normally be.  In other words, you won’t be aware of your surroundings or even the people around you.  You’re basically saying “I’m going to go off and have a me time so leave me alone.  I don’t care about you.”  That is pure selfishness!!  Oh my Lord, my Love, my Light, my Guide, You can probably hear the sarcastic tone I am using.  Because yeah people disgust me and I want to look high and mighty in front of people, but in the end, no that is not how I really feel.  Everything I have said so far is nothing but a mask for me to hide behind.  

What I feel is, I realize, it’s deeper than that.  So I probe more and push more to see if I can figure it out.  What I find is something innocent and pure.  A child-like voice says to me, “it’s because I don’t like seeing people that way.  The fact that people have to turn to these means to find their happiness reveals to me how broken this world is.”  It’s too sad.  It wrecks my heart to see people trying to fill that empty void in their hearts by doing things they may eventually regret.  They become sober and say they never want to do it again.  Next time, the same thing happens - they do something they regret.  This pattern continues and they are stuck in an unrelenting vicious cycle of hurt.  THE PAIN! Why make yourself grieve?  Don’t hurt yourself! Stop hurting yourself.  Stop hurting others.  Why must we perpetuate and participate in causing more suffering when there is already so much of it in this world?  Why why why!!  Stop hurting others and stop hurting yourself.  Can’t you hear the cries of agony piercing through the dark? Cruel cruel cruel.  That is all I can think of.

So I think to myself, “yeah that seems right… right on the dot.”  But no, that would be lying.  That’s not the entire truth.  There’s one more layer to peel.  My God, my Love, don’t turn away from me when You hear what I have to say, when You hear the truth about me.  In the end, it’s all because I am a coward.  I’m scared.  I don’t want to be hurt.  It’s not that I think I’m better than others; it’s not that I don’t like seeing people suffer.. it’s because I’m selfish.  I am afraid.  When people are drunk (or high), they are more likely to do things they normally would not do, which means they may regret their actions later.  What if I end up regretting what I do?  What if I make mistakes that I can never take back?  What if I hurt someone by mistake?  What if someone hurts me?  I don’t want to be hurt.  I don’t want to hurt.  All my life, I told myself, “Dasom, nothing in this world belongs to you.  Nothing, not even your life, your time, even your very breath is yours.  It all belongs to others.  So if you want something, forget about it because I can never give it to you because even you yourself don’t belong to you.  But there is one thing I will give you.  I will keep you safe from pain as long as it’s within my power to do so.  If I can prevent you from feeling unnecessary suffering, I will do so.  I promise.”  That was the promise that I made to myself ever since I was young.  Why did I make this promise to myself?  I pondered, oh Lord.  I thought and thought and thought.  All I got was this:  This world is filled with pain.  So much pain.  When I look around, all I see is pain.  I cannot feel happiness, I cannot feel joy, I cannot feel laughter, not even anger or sadness, only pain.  I can only feel pain.  Maybe I developed this odd condition because of current news showing how much people suffer.  Maybe it’s because I am educated and I learn about the suffering of others.  Maybe it’s because of how pain and suffering have been so close to my family life, my childhood.  I can only guess.  Because there is so much hurt, I want to protect myself.  I don’t want to experience pain anymore.  Make it all go away.  If no one can protect me, I will protect myself. But soon I realize I can’t protect myself at least not emotionally.  So I will at least protect myself physically.  No one will lay a hand on you.  No scratch, no burn or mark, will be on you.  I will protect myself if no one else will.  And even if it is in vain, I will try to protect myself emotionally - the fragile part of me, so vulnerable… by distancing myself from people emotionally.  I will impact the lives of the people around me.  I will help people so that they can live a life of hurt but also a life of joy - a life I couldn’t live.  Because when you get rid of pain, you also get rid of joy.  I will help guide people so that they may live an enjoyable life, but I will not live one for myself.  I will continue to protect myself.  I will build for myself a person everyone can look up to and admire, but someone people cannot reach.  A person who seems so close and yet, so far away.  I will build that person for myself.  I will impact the lives of others, but no one will ever leave an impression on me because if they do, I might get hurt.  ”And no one can take away this promise from you.  Not your friends, not your family, not your future husband and children, not even God.  No one will take away this promise from you.”  Not even God… not even God.  Not even You, my Love.  

So this is how I really felt about You.  All this time I thought I had given every single part of me and there was no part of me that was left for me to give to You and yet, here it lies.  I thought I had given all of me to You to heal, to transform, to redeem.  But it is - a part of me that I have somehow hidden away from You, even from myself.  Don’t hate me, my Love, for I cannot bear for You to turn away from me.  Anyone can turn from me, but You.  As long as I have You, I am okay.  But You ask me, “how is it fair for you to ask of Me all and every part of Me when you are not willing to give Me all of you?”  Ah, You are right.  It is unfair.  I do not deserve all of You.  To ask You to give all of You to me while I do not.. that is unfair.  That is a pain I am causing You.  I have failed You.  I cannot be anything more than a sad scared creature, destined to be alone.  But it’s triumph that has the last word.  ”Victory!” is the cry I hear, not “failure.”  Who is that?  Who dares to say “victory” when my life so far, all my efforts so far in finding redemption, in wanting redemption have so in vain?!  Who?  It’s You, my God!  Why is it a victory and not a failure?  ”Because I love you.  I think you’re pretty special.  You are special because I made you and I don’t make mistakes.”  That’s it?  That’s all You have to say…? So simple and yet, so lovely are those words!  Why, my God?  Why hurt Yourself in loving something that cannot love You back?  Here I am so scared to let others reach me because I am afraid of being hurt.  So why so willingly hurt Yourself for something that cannot love You back?  It’s simple as because You are Love.  You Love.  And that is the victorious cry I hear.  Maybe one day, this Love of Yours will transform me and take me away from this barren land of isolation and utter darkness.  Won’t You take me away from here?  I am willing.

from Beloved<3

Dear Lover,

I realized something odd about myself.  Whenever I feel all scared and nervous (y’know the butterfly in your stomach type of thing), I always talk to myself.  The conversation always goes something like this:

Me: “Omgosh omgosh omgosh.. I can’t do this”
Voice: “Yes you can. Yes you can.”
Me: “No I can’t. I’m too stupid. I’m not good enough. I can’t do this.”
Voice: “Yes you can because you’re Dasom.”

And somehow I just always accepted that.  I didn’t bother reasoning with it. I didn’t even think there was something weird about saying that.  But then this year, I questioned it for the first time.  I was on my way to Pray Our Stories class to give my presentation.  I was freaking out of course because it was so personal to share with others.  When the Voice said, “Yes, you can because you’re Dasom,” I asked, “What does that even mean?!” And I heard, “It means I am beloved.”  And in that moment, everything made sense.

My name is Dasom.  It’s an old Korean name, meaning “to love the world.”  But it has another meaning, a second meaning - “to be loved by the world.”  I used to not like my name because the first meaning was something that’s impossible to achieve.  It’s not possible to love the world.  That’s just foolish talk!  And the second meaning just sounded as if I was full of myself saying to be loved by the world.  But then I realized my name is actually really nice.  Yeah, it’s impossible to achieve loving the world, but I think that’s what I’m called to do as Your follower. I think that’s a calling for anyone who considers him or herself as Your follower/lover.  The first meaning of my name is my calling.  As for the second meaning, it is my identity.  Who am I? I am beloved. By whom? The world… my world… my God… by You.

from Beloved<3

Dear Lover,

Connie showed me this song last night when I was studying with her and Sarang.  I really appreciate how the melody, the music of the song is very simple and yet very beautiful. But the part that I really love is the lyrics!  So the background story to this song is that a month before their marriage, the artist’s financee got into a car accident and she became like a newborn - she didn’t know how to speak or walk, how to go to the bathroom properly, and she didn’t remember him.  So when someone came up to the artist and asked him, “why don’t you just leave her? you’re not married to her yet,” he wrote this song as a response to that question.  At one point, he asks, “what kind of guy would I be if I was to leave you when you need me most?” and “what are words if you really don’t mean them?”  I really love that part :)

At first I thought I would want my future husband to sing that to me or something like that… HAHAHA.  But the more I thought about it, I realized no thanks because yeah the song is really really really sweet and I love it to death, but it’s not realistic enough for me.  He wouldn’t be able to keep every single promise and it would be wrong of me to expect that from him because he’s not perfect.. i’m not perfect so it would be unfair. Sorry if it sounds like I’m criticizing him, God, but You know what I mean.  It’s okay Chris Medina sings them because this is what his finacee needs to hear, but for me, who will most likely be healthy and strong, these aren’t the right words to me, namsayin?

But a really awesome way to interprete this song, as Connie suggested, is thinking that You’re singing this song to us, to me.  WOW, how great is Your love, my Love! Wow.

from Beloved<3

ps. Oh, Here’s the song with the lyrics on them.

Dear Lover,

Do You think it’s weird that all my blogs are my talks with You?  I’ve been thinking about this question a long time.. maybe they don’t say enough of who I am?  But the more I think about it, my posts say a lot about me.  It’s just they’re hard to see and it may take some time to decipher them… like my posts on songs, they tell about songs that I like or that I do own some creativity.  Or they reveal my opinions on things like what I think about sites like match.com.  Or sometimes, they even reveal parts of me that I don’t normally reveal to others like the fact that I have very low self-esteem.. that there are times when I just want to hide where no one can ever find me because I’m so ashamed of who I am.. because I hate myself.  My posts don’t say those things straight up.. it takes time to figure and sort through them out in order to learn about me.  Not the me that I outwardly show - all goofy, cracking jokes, shouting obnoxiously, acting like i’m all tough and stuff when deep inside I feel the opposite.. I crack jokes, acting all confident when in fact, I’m so scared of being judged and how others may view me.  Or acting tough so that people won’t ever know that I’m actually scared to death half the time.. haha that’s quite pathetic, isn’t it my Love?  I’ve always made it hard for people to see who I really am.  

You know why I like You so much?  I think I’ve said it before, but I want to say it again.  I like you like crazyyyyyyyyyyy because You bother to get to know me even though You have to dig through all my stupid hidden meanings!  You bother to know me because You really want to!  And that’s why I can’t help but write about You or just talk to You all the time.  When I’m sad, it’s You who bothers to listen.  When I’m happy, it’s You who bothers to celebrate.  When I fall, it’s You who bothers to pick me up.  

And when you’re in love with someone, you can’t help but just keep talking about him much to the annoyance of others haha.  This Love is part of who I am.  Without It, I wouldn’t have the courage to strike up a conversation of people.  Without It, I wouldn’t be able to trust this world that I can take a risk, a chance of getting hurt to gain something even better! Without It, I’m not who I am.  

from Beloved<3

Dear Lover,

If I had to define prayer in my own words, then this is what I would say: For me, prayer is a conversation between You and me.  

Sometimes we talk about nonsense or trivial things like how my day went. Remember when I used to babble on and on about my day even including the tiniest details? But other times, it gets serious such as my recent realization that I am afraid of the future because it’s unknown to me.

There are times when it’s just us two alone like all the endless nights we spend together, but then there are times when other people join us too.  It’s awesome praying with others because it helps me see that there are others who feel the same way as I do or are going through similar things as I am.  It helps me realize that I’m not alone… that You have provided me with companions.  It’s kinda like having a party, y’know?  More the merrier? :)

Sometimes I would pray for myself such as giving me strength when I can’t do something on my own.  Like the event that happened last week.. that time I didn’t ask for Your help.  I only relied on myself.. on my own strength. I thought I could do it, but I couldn’t.  But when a similar situation occurred on Sunday, I called and You answered.  You came to my rescue.  Other times, I prayed for others just like my freshmen year when I prayed for my friend because he might not be able to return to BC.  I prayed then that You would give him strength to endure whatever he may have been going through.  And You did.

Praying can be fun!  Haha the times when I used to sing songs to You late into the night.. man, You must really love me to listen to them the entire time and find them pleasing haha.  Prayer is also a challenge for me! Like the time when I prayed about the things I was thankful for starting from letter A-Z!  It was hard to do because I would forget about it, but I am grateful for it since it helped me understand what it means to be grateful.  

There are times when praying is happy like I cannot stop grinning like a love-stricken fool and I don’t want to anything else but be with You. But there are times when I am bitter, angry, and hurt.  During those times, I say such horrible things to You just like back then when I wrongly accused You of taking away my most precious friend.  Even though, he chose to walk away from me.  And more importantly, my most precious friend never left me that time.. You never left me.

Sometimes it’s short, sometimes it’s endless. Sometimes I say I go formal - “In the name of Lord Jesus Christ, Amen” - other times, I go “JESUS!!” and make a “yeah, you the man” kind of gesture.  I guess for me prayer doesn’t really have a narrow definition.  Whether I’m banging my fists on the floor while crying my head off or I’m in the bathroom pooping, it doesn’t matter really.  The important thing about prayer is that it keeps my relationship with You alive and growing.

Oh and by the way, my Love, did you like the quote I used for the title?  It’s from Eat, Pray, and Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.  I think what she says has a lot of truth in it. Someone once told me that when we pray, it’s not that we’re initiating a conversation with You, but rather that we’re replying to You.  This is why prayer is a relationship.  If someone starts a chat with you, you can’t just leave him hanging.  Otherwise how would you grow in your relationship?  Yea, half the job is mine.. to reply back.  So here I am replying to You, my Love. 

from Beloved

ps. Y’know, if You think about it, this post itself is a prayer because it is my love letter to You. Haha Where is the love part, You ask? Well, here it is… I love You, my most precious friend<3  

Dear Lover,

Which do You think is more romantic?  To say “you are special because fate led us to be together” or “you are special because out of everyone in this world that I could be compatible with, I chose you”? Which is more romantic?  I thought about it and I think the second one is more romantic.  Yeah first one seems more romantic AT FIRST because even the whole universe says you two should be together, but if I think about it… I don’t care what this whole universe thinks, I care what I think.  Do I really care if this whole world itself thought me and some other person seemed to be a good match? OH HECK NO! I only care if I think the other person and I are a good match.  So the fact that out of everyone this person could possibly be with and he chooses me?! The fact that he CHOSE to make me special above everyone else, now I think thats romantic!  After all, You CHOSE me to create me and made me special.. and I’m still special to You :)

Sorry my Lord if that seemed kinda random.  I was listening to a song about You “Our God is Greater” by Chris Tomlin on youtube, thinking about writing a tumblr post on it when I saw this ad for christianmingle.com.  What got to me about that ad was the subtitle underneath: “Find God’s match for you”  Don’t know why but it got me thinking about THE ONE for you and all that “we’re meant to be” talk.  And I started thinking which is more romantic.  Most girls these days would love to hear a guy say “you’re THE ONE” and probably say that’s more romantic, but ehh what can I say?  Maybe I am just an oddball?!  Whatever I still want to hear: ”You are special because out of everyone in this world, I chose you.” Ehh something along that line.

from Beloved